A Sting of Reality: The Agony of a Rookie

Being the first batch of the new curriculum, also known as the “Experimental Babies,” I stand by my claim that the knowledge and skills we have are not enough for us to face society’s challenges.

I am not yet ready to graduate without having acquired the essential skills that my profession requires. Our batch has suffered a lot. We were the first batch of the K to 12 Curriculum – the first to graduate in the new curriculum, and the first to graduate with limited practical skills due to the COVID-19 pandemic.With this, I believe that we should have and deserve limited face-to-face classes this coming semester.

I know that our school and our clinical instructors are trying to overcome the challenges of this pandemic by delivering high-quality education. They have given us alternative activities to sharpen our critical thinking skills as well as retain the theoretical foundation of every concept. Yes, we can learn a lot from this, but we cannot deny the fact that we need skills.

I can still recall when I was still in my first year of college when our clinical instructor stressed the importance of knowledge, skills, and attitude (KSA) during our lecture in health education. Indeed, these three things are essential to achieving your life goals. As I kept these things in my mind, I began to assess whether I was still on the right track. From that, I realized that knowledge and attitude can be learned both in online and face-to-face classes, but I beg to disagree when it comes to skills.

I have been very anxious about becoming an effective nurse in the future when I cannot perform basic skills with conviction. We will be handling our lives, and this phrase keeps on wandering in my mind. How can I become better when there are limitations to learning things online?

Learning online has advantages and disadvantages at the same time. I have encountered different challenges, such as power interruptions, internet connectivity issues, and many more. It should be easy, especially since online learning is flexible. To tell you the truth, it’s hard to juggle all of the things at the same time.

We all become physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted with sets of school activities having the same deadlines or daily quizzes and exams. Sometimes they tend to belittle our sufferings, saying that it should not be difficult. Most of the time, they are right, but it’s just that students have different learning capabilities. Some are fast learners, and some are not. I also believe that if we double our efforts, study smarter, and are not afraid to ask questions if we do not understand a portion of our lessons, we will pass and graduate on time. No pain, no gain, remember?

On the other hand, we also need to be told that even if we can do those activities, we can also get exhausted and overwhelmed by them. We also need consideration, but we should not be demanding and abusive about it. How can we learn if we keep on complaining without even trying? I am with you. Don’t get me wrong, I just want us to become better versions of ourselves despite being experimental babies.

I understand that they are pushing us to our limits for our benefit and for our future; but sometimes I just want to sleep all night, watch my favorite series, and read the pending novel I have. Priorities self, priorities. I can hear my inner self screaming at me for not prioritizing my work, for letting my luxury and hobbies become my focus instead of my schoolwork. I keep on self-pitying, questioning my worth, and if everything is still in its place or not.

It is just so sad that before, I loved the idea of staying at home because it was my safe haven. As time passes by, it slowly becomes haunted and unsound. It was like living in a nightmare. It’s exhausting… overwhelming for me and my sanity.

Most of the time, I didn’t notice that I was already burning out emotionally because of my anxiety about my future. My heart sank as I could not focus well on my studies in the previous months onward. The achiever side of me is slowly disappearing. I got low scores on my quizzes and exams and even passed my activities on the deadline.

I was feeling down and kept it all inside me until I realized that I could not do it alone. I started to open up with my trusted friends. Of course, they encouraged me not to feel bad about it. They all believed that I could get through it because I have been through a lot in this lifetime. However, at that moment, I need a friend who also realizes that I could be weak because I am not strong all the time.

I have realized that we all need to step back and look at what we have been through. Analyze and internalize the things that we cannot see when we are in that position. Step back not because you can’t, but because you need to remember why you’re doing it in the first place.

It’s okay to feel bad when you are in that moment, but don’t let yourself get drowned in those things. I don’t want to say that everything will be alright because that phrase has become overused already. Instead, allow me to say that you can mourn and feel the pain, cry out loud, and let your voice be heard because you’re not always strong. You can be weak, and we understand that. Know that you are not alone. It might be hard to cope and recover, but keep in mind that small steps always count.

I know you are hurting; we are all hurting, so don’t be afraid to speak up. Let that agony be exposed before you explode when you can no longer contain all the pain.